Describe something you saved money to buy

Band 6

I’d like to describe an acoustic guitar that I saved money to buy two years ago. I live in Lagos, and I am wantingWrong verb form: should be “had wanted” or “wanted” a guitar since I was fifteen, because my uncle played one every Sunday after church and I loved the sound. My family could not buy it for me, so I decided to save by myself. It takeTense slip: should be “took” me about nine months. I worked on Saturdays in my cousin’s phone shop, and I also stopTense slip: should be “stopped” buying snacks after class, which was, erFiller used while searching for the next idea, quite hard because my friends always went to the cafe. Every month I put the money in a small tin box under my bed and I counted it again and again. In the sixth month my phone breakTense slip: should be “broke” and I almost useVerb form error: should be “used” the money to fix it, but my uncle said I must wait. I wanted the guitar because music helps me relax after a long day, and also I wanted to play songs with the group from my church. When I finally had enough money, I went to a music shop near my university with my uncle, and he helped me choose a goodBasic adjective; limits Lexical Resource one. I felt very, very happyRepeated basic intensifier instead of a precise word when I carried it home. I didn’t sleptVerb form error: should be “didn’t sleep” much that night because I playTense slip: should be “played” until my mother told me to stop. I think saving for it was a good experienceVague phrase; limits Lexical Resource, because now I take care itMissing preposition: should be “take care of it” very carefully. Now I play it at church on Sundays, next to my uncle, and I am very proud when people listen.

Band 7

I’d like to describe an acoustic guitar that I saved up for two years ago. I live in Lagos, and I’d wanted a guitar ever since I was fifteen, because my uncle played one every Sunday after church and I loved the sound. My family couldn’t afford to buy it for me, so I decided to put money asideNatural collocation for saving myself, and it took me about nine months. I worked on Saturdays in my cousin’s phone shop, and I gave up buying snacks after class, which was harder than I expected because my friends always went to the cafeComparative with a reason clause used accurately. Every month I’d drop what I’d earned into a small tin box under my bed and count it again and again. In the sixth month my phone broke and I was tempted to spend the money on a new screen, but my uncle told me to hold on, so I did. I wanted the guitar because music helps me unwind after a long day, and I hoped to play along with the group from my church. When I finally had enough, I went to a music shop near my university with my uncle, who helped me pick out a really nice oneSafe, general adjective; a more precise word would lift the range. I felt incredibly proudStronger, more precise feeling word carrying it home. I hardly slept that night because I kept playing until my mother told to meWord order error: should be “told me” to stop. Looking back, saving for it made me appreciate it more than if someone had simply handed it to meReflective clause links the effort to the feeling, and I look after it very carefully, so it’s still in a perfect conditionArticle error: “in perfect condition” takes no article. Now I play it at church on Sundays, right next to my uncle.

Band 8

I’d like to describe an acoustic guitar that I saved up for two years ago. I live in Lagos, and I’d had my heart set on one ever since I was fifteen, when my uncle started playing his every Sunday after church. My family couldn’t afford to buy it for me, so I decided to put the money aside myself, and it took me about nine months. I worked on Saturdays in my cousin’s phone shop and went without snacks after class, which was harder than I’d expected, given that my friends were always at the cafeComparative with a reason clause, controlled and natural. Every month I’d drop what I’d earned into a small tin box under my bed and count it again, as if it might have multiplied overnight. In the sixth month my phone broke and I was sorely temptedPrecise collocation showing a real inner struggle to spend the money on a new screen, but my uncle urged me to hold on, and I’m glad I did. I wanted the guitar because music helps me unwind after a long day, and I hoped to play along with the group from my church. When I finally had enough, I went to a music shop near my university with my uncle, who helped me pick out one with a warm, full soundSpecific description instead of a general adjective. I was over the moonIdiomatic expression of strong joy carrying it home. I hardly slept that night because I kept playing until my mother had to come in and ask me to stopNatural narrative phrase with the right tense. Looking back, what I value most is not the guitar itself but the months it representsCleft sentence giving a clear final point, which is probably why I still treat it with such care. Now I play it at church on Sundays, right next to my uncle, and being listened to feels like a reward I earnedCompact, natural phrase that echoes the theme of effort.