Describe a person you know who would like to work in the medical field

Band 6

I would like to talk about my cousin Selam, who lives in Addis Ababa in Ethiopia. Our mothers are sisters, so I know herTense error: should be “have known her” all my life, and we wasSubject-verb agreement error: should be “were” together every school holiday when we were small. She wants to become a children’s doctor, a, erNatural hesitation marker, minor filler, paediatrician. Now she studyTense slip: should be “is studying” hard for her final school exams because she hopes to go to medical school. On Saturdays she also helps at a small clinic near her house, where she gives out forms and plays with the children in the waiting room. Sometimes I visit her there, and I can see that the children really trust her. She started to think about this career when she was twelve years old. Her little brother Dawit had a high fever and stayed in hospital for one week. Selam sitTense slip: should be “sat” next to his bed every afternoon, and she saw a young doctor who talked to Dawit very gently and made him laugh. After that day she told everybody that she will beTense slip in reported speech: should be “would be” a doctor like him. I think she wants this career for two reasons. First, she is very good at scienceBasic phrase; limits Lexical Resource, especially biology. Second, she wants to help people, and in my country doctors get big respectImprecise collocation; “a great deal of respect” is more natural. You knowFiller phrase used as a hesitation marker, she is also very patient personArticle missing: should be “a very patient person”, so I am sure she will be a good doctor. I am proud of her, and her plan makes me think about my own future, because I do not have a clear idea yet.

Band 7

I’d like to talk about my cousin Selam, who lives in Addis Ababa in Ethiopia. Our mothers are sisters, so I’ve known her all my life, and we spent every school holiday together when we were small. She’d like to become a paediatrician, which means a doctor for children. At the moment she’s working hard for her final school exams so that she can apply to medical schoolPurpose clause with “so that” used accurately. On Saturdays she also helps at a small clinic near her house, where she gives out forms and plays with the children in the waiting room. Sometimes I visit her there, and I can see that the children really trust her. She first started to think about this career when she was twelve. Her little brother Dawit had a high fever and spent a week in hospital, and Selam sat beside his bed every afternoon. She noticed a young doctor who spoke to Dawit very gently and even made him laugh, and from that day she told everybody she was going to be a doctor like hePronoun case error: should be “like him”. I think there are two reasons behind her choice. Firstly, she’s gifted at sciencePrecise adjective in place of “very good”, biology especially. Secondly, she genuinely wants to help people, and on top of thatLinking phrase keeps the explanation organised doctors are highly respected where we live. I’m proud of her, and I’m sure she’ll be a good doctor because she’s remarkably patientNatural intensifier plus precise adjective, even with difficult people. Her plan also makes me think about my own future, because I don’t have such a clear idea yet.

Band 8

I’d like to talk about my cousin Selam, who lives in Addis Ababa in Ethiopia. Our mothers are sisters, so I’ve known her all my life, and we spent every school holiday together as children. She hopes to become a paediatrician, and she’s currently working hard for her final school exams so that she can apply to medical school. On Saturdays she also helps at a small clinic near her house, where she gives out forms and plays with the children in the waiting room. Whenever I visit her there, it’s obvious that the children trust her. The idea first took hold when she was about twelveIdiomatic way to introduce the starting point. Her little brother Dawit had a high fever and spent a week in hospital, and Selam sat beside his bed every afternoon. She noticed a young doctor who spoke to Dawit very gently and even made him laugh, and from that day she told everybody she was going to be a doctor like him. I think there are two reasons behind her choice. For one thing, she has a real gift for scienceNatural collocation instead of “is good at”, biology in particular. For another, she genuinely wants to help people, children above all, and, as a bonus, doctors are highly respected where we live. I’m proud of her, and I’m convinced she’ll be a caring doctor, because she’s remarkably patient, even with people who are difficultPost-modifier phrase gives a precise, flexible ending. Honestly, her certainty makes me reflect on my own future, since I haven’t settled on a direction yet.