Describe a person you know who would like to work in the medical field

Band 6

I would like to talk about my cousin Selam, who lives in Addis Ababa in Ethiopia. Our mothers are sisters, so I know herОшибка времени: должно быть «have known her» all my life, and we wasОшибка согласования подлежащего и сказуемого: должно быть «were» together every school holiday when we were small. She wants to become a children’s doctor, a, erЕстественная заминка, некритичное слово-паразит, paediatrician. Now she studyОшибка времени: должно быть «is studying» hard for her final school exams because she hopes to go to medical school. On Saturdays she also helps at a small clinic near her house, where she gives out forms and plays with the children in the waiting room. Sometimes I visit her there, and I can see that the children really trust her. She started to think about this career when she was twelve years old. Her little brother Dawit had a high fever and stayed in hospital for one week. Selam sitОшибка времени: должно быть «sat» next to his bed every afternoon, and she saw a young doctor who talked to Dawit very gently and made him laugh. After that day she told everybody that she will beОшибка времени в косвенной речи: должно быть «would be» a doctor like him. I think she wants this career for two reasons. First, she is very good at scienceПростое выражение; ограничивает Lexical Resource, especially biology. Second, she wants to help people, and in my country doctors get big respectНеточное словосочетание; естественнее «a great deal of respect». You knowФраза-филлер, используемая как пауза для раздумья, she is also very patient personПропущен артикль: должно быть «a very patient person», so I am sure she will be a good doctor. I am proud of her, and her plan makes me think about my own future, because I do not have a clear idea yet.

Band 7

I’d like to talk about my cousin Selam, who lives in Addis Ababa in Ethiopia. Our mothers are sisters, so I’ve known her all my life, and we spent every school holiday together when we were small. She’d like to become a paediatrician, which means a doctor for children. At the moment she’s working hard for her final school exams so that she can apply to medical schoolПридаточное цели с «so that» использовано точно. On Saturdays she also helps at a small clinic near her house, where she gives out forms and plays with the children in the waiting room. Sometimes I visit her there, and I can see that the children really trust her. She first started to think about this career when she was twelve. Her little brother Dawit had a high fever and spent a week in hospital, and Selam sat beside his bed every afternoon. She noticed a young doctor who spoke to Dawit very gently and even made him laugh, and from that day she told everybody she was going to be a doctor like heОшибка падежа местоимения: должно быть «like him». I think there are two reasons behind her choice. Firstly, she’s gifted at scienceТочное прилагательное вместо «very good», biology especially. Secondly, she genuinely wants to help people, and on top of thatСвязующая фраза помогает упорядочить объяснение doctors are highly respected where we live. I’m proud of her, and I’m sure she’ll be a good doctor because she’s remarkably patientЕстественный усилитель и точное прилагательное, even with difficult people. Her plan also makes me think about my own future, because I don’t have such a clear idea yet.

Band 8

I’d like to talk about my cousin Selam, who lives in Addis Ababa in Ethiopia. Our mothers are sisters, so I’ve known her all my life, and we spent every school holiday together as children. She hopes to become a paediatrician, and she’s currently working hard for her final school exams so that she can apply to medical school. On Saturdays she also helps at a small clinic near her house, where she gives out forms and plays with the children in the waiting room. Whenever I visit her there, it’s obvious that the children trust her. The idea first took hold when she was about twelveИдиоматичный способ ввести отправную точку. Her little brother Dawit had a high fever and spent a week in hospital, and Selam sat beside his bed every afternoon. She noticed a young doctor who spoke to Dawit very gently and even made him laugh, and from that day she told everybody she was going to be a doctor like him. I think there are two reasons behind her choice. For one thing, she has a real gift for scienceЕстественное словосочетание вместо «is good at», biology in particular. For another, she genuinely wants to help people, children above all, and, as a bonus, doctors are highly respected where we live. I’m proud of her, and I’m convinced she’ll be a caring doctor, because she’s remarkably patient, even with people who are difficultПостпозитивная группа даёт точное и гибкое завершение. Honestly, her certainty makes me reflect on my own future, since I haven’t settled on a direction yet.